akanke's world

Just my thoughts....

BALANCE

I have a question. These are my thoughts and I hope to expand on them. I have been thinking about balance lately and asking myself, why is it when people who are working to enlighten themselves they speak in high regard about the “beautiful” things, but sweep the “dark” things under the rug?

Why is it that we always talk about the, ‘honey dripping from the lips’ this and the ‘sweet nectar’ of that, but hardly EVER talk about the flip side with the same fever? You know, I’m just asking for a friend! (lol).

I don’t know about you, but when you are REALLY REALLY REALLY digging deep, it can be some scary shit. You dig up the crap from 20 years ago that you packed away that even you forgot. Facing those “demons” is difficult, but it is so beautiful in the end, right? So why doesn’t anyone boast about that?

I’m saying, everyone didn't come down here to be the, 'beautiful, buxom, honey drinking' Oshun of the river. A lot of us have the aspects of the, 'drinks too much, loose pussy having, curses a lot, leave her kids with her mama' aspect of Oshun. (Now that I think of it, wasn’t there a story that says Oshun left her kids with Yemaya? Hmmm.) Why is it the norm to be about peace, love, happiness, etc. and then turn around and ask for a spell to fuck someone up? Just asking to put a spell on someone, isn’t that dark? Wait, before you say, ‘Well, people be putting stuff on me, or, ‘They had it coming,’ I ask you what part of YOU attracted those actions? *swallows lump in throat*

I’ll put myself as an example. I have been married for over 10 years. My husband is a great provider and I don’t have shit to worry about in the grand scheme of human dealings. Problem is, I loved him when he didn’t have shit. All he had was love to give. I loved his dirty draws because he loved me. AHHHH, well I had a life changing event that caused me to fall into a deep depression for many years. Slowly but surely he began to change as I began to lose self-confidence. It seemed like with each time I tried to step out from the rain, he would hit me with hail. Shit was getting stupid.

Before my dad passed, I expressed to him some of the issues my husband and I were having, and he said, ‘I am not going to say that your husband is not an idiot, but what are you NOT doing?’

-Wait what the fuck?-

I told him I was doing EVERYTHING! Even excusing his bullshit. About six months after that conversation, my dad makes his transition, and for the next five years I deal with more bullshit. The dumb shit kept growing and growing.

It wasn’t until I got so angry that I found myself was sitting on my porch with a bat waiting to beat the shit out of my husband when he came home from work. Yea, he was at it again. I knew then I had enough. If I popped off good enough I was going to dig myself into a deeper hole and nothing would be fixed.

You see, I was trying to see what was considered the “light” in the situation (like, 'at least he goes to work everyday, you don’t have to worry about money, he pays the bills,' etc). But I was still feeling a lump in my chest when I was around him. Nothing was getting better. Now, we can go back and forth about him, but I was told that it is possibly his path to act the way he does, and he will have to deal with his issues on his own. Bet. Duly noted.

With all that, I had to make the decision whether or not to toy with the notion of leaving everything behind. I had to rediscover who I was.That is the place most don’t want to go. What was going to be the worst thing that could happen? Well, I could lose my COMFORT of having THINGS, my kids would be upset, people would be asking questions about what happened. All that is my EGO talking. (We talk about EGO so you know your ego will always tell you what you want to hear, it will make you comfortable.) Why not take the step out of my comfort zone? Why not start doing for me according to my spirit and what drives me? Why the hell have I secluded myself and become a slave?? BECAUSE I AM UNBALANCED!!!!

In my readings about spirituality, it talks about this state of nirvana, getting to a place of all knowing; but it does not have a systematic way of telling you how to get there. This is why finding yourself is so beautiful, there is no right or wrong way, you just HAVE TO DO THE WORK and ultimately find your balance.

So, I adopted dealing with situations in my relationship like the majority of the world; resulting in me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Tragic.

I then decided to forget all of that and focus on dealing with my pain. This meant coming face-to-face with all of my shit that I was holding on to. I mean standing in the mirror again after being molested, diving into the memory of not having my vision or being able to halfway talk. In essence, going to the dark side (balancing the lower chakras) and finding who and what I truly am. This part was training my mind to see the lesson in all of those events, but not having an emotion about them. Damn it, I think I found BALANCE!!!

You have to have the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other (the light and the dark). You must deal with the pain (like really deal, not that I-just-don’t-think-about-it bullshit). Get in there and scrub scrub scrub. That is the magic. That is the alchemy that we speak of.

I finally figured out the answer to what my dad was asking me. I was, in fact, only doing work on one side. I was unbalanced. I wasn’t dealing with the dark side (those deep issues that held me down), I was trying to run a marathon with one leg. That shit is tiring.

Enough of my rant. I said all that to say, balance is key. It is really your job to find out what that balance is. Nothing tangible can bring it. You have to deal with you - ALL OF YOU! So if you are the honey sipping Oshun, embrace it, if you are the P-poppin on a handstand Oshun, embrace it. Know your path and have BALANCE!

Much love.

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