Blog - The day the grasshoppers returned

 

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While the meditative hum of the lawn mower engulfed my thoughts, I began to ponder that I had not seen any grasshoppers in years. It was during this introspective buzzing of the mower and watching the grasshoppers flee for cover that I realized how much I missed them.

 

My mind instantly flashed back to May 2010, two months after my dad transitioned when the grasshoppers began to appear on my car. For months without fail, I would be greeted by one perched on the front windshield. It was like they were waiting for me. While driving, they never obstructed my view. These tiny green leaf munchers were strong and tenacious enough to withstand 70+ mph winds on the highway. No matter how far my journey, they never left.

 

Periodically while driving, I would check to see if they made it through the forceful and the blustery interstate journey. I would glance up and see them, with their little beady eyes, clinging to the windshield wiper blade. It warmed my heart to have a little guardian because while they continued clinging for dear life, I entirely connected with their struggle to hold on.

 

Before my daddy's passing, I had experienced death through classmates passing on, but this was DIFFERENT. I mean, it wasn't just the fact that he was the only person I could call at 4 AM to talk about nothing, nor was it that his humor and wit were unmatched, it was because he was my dude, my homie, my daddy, my first LOVE.

 

Thinking back, I should have picked up that his time was coming when he started to be affectionate towards me (SN: my dad was emotionally constipated, and a Capricorn, so being loving to me was just too much work). He was more concerned with me not being dependent. He wanted me to be resourceful and always have a plan. Like most dads, he did not want me to be looking for any man to bail me out, and he was no exception. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but he had his experiences with women. As a child I learned that we don't live in our own experiences, we live through our parent's trials and traumas.

 

I should have known when I told him jokingly that he was 1,000 years old, already had 25 different careers ranging from Engineer to Radio Personality, and that his feet looked like they were already mummified, that he was on his way out. He brushed it off, telling me that it didn't matter because his feet were soft and the ladies still loved him. He was right.

 

When I close my eyes and reflect back to that chilly December in 2009, I can see him standing in front of my altar asking me to explain it to him. This was weird to me because he always boasted he was an Agnostic, and that he just knew God was a woman who took joy in smashing brothers, and that he was ducking and dodging her. I chuckled and kept my spiritual practices secret, thinking he wouldn't be interested and would surmise that it was just hogwash. To my surprise, he didn't.

 

During his visit, I was attempting to contact his father. I never knew my grandfather, or most of my family (on both sides), so this was the best way I knew to connect.alter

 

While standing in front of my altar with his hand on his hip, he started to scratch his head. He then asked me to explain it to him. Shocked and excited, I started rambling like a child with a new toy. He stood there with a mild smirk on his face, almost as if he was amused, but at the same time, proud. I expressed the meaning of the items chosen, how I reached out to his sister about what my grandfather liked and my methodology for making contact. He didn't offer too much more than an, "Um hmm," but it didn't matter, he took an interest, and that was enough.

 

I felt that I was being prepared for something, but I tossed that notion to the wind and told him that when he transitioned, he better come to me, because my light would be on.

 

Three months later, in March 2010, my daddy made his transition. Our last conversation was over text. He told me to buy more stock and that he was cooking red beans and rice with PORRRK for a client. He knew that I didn't eat it, so it tickled him to rub it in my face.

 

Gone were the 4 AM talks. Gone was the humor that we shared between one another. Gone were the cooking quizzes asking, "What is the difference between a slurry and béchamel?" Gone were the shout-outs on the radio show on Saturday mornings. Gone were the critiques about everything I did, and the giggle that followed, him saying "That's my girl." Gone was my security. Gone was the one person I knew would have my back no matter what. MY FIRST LOVE WAS GONE.

 

May 2011 - The grasshoppers come and go, but not as frequent as before. My husband lands a job in Florida, so we make the state-to-state trek to uncharted territory. Leaving eight months early gave my husband ample time to find a suitable house for us to move into. It was a much-needed fresh start. The new home was much more spacious than the previous one, and there was so much grass and nature.

While looking at the house, I lift the blinds and there on the sill was a GRASSHOPPER!

 

This grasshopper was no ordinary tiny green beady-eyed grasshopper from before. No, no, no. It was giant, more tan than green, with multicolored wings. It had a presence like a carnivore, powerful and beautiful.

 

As soon as I saw it, I murmured a whispering, "Daddy". I made it my business every morning to trek to the window to greet whatever grasshopper that awaited me. After unpacking, I did spiritual work with the energy of the grasshoppers in mind. At one point, there were three grasshoppers on the window. I was overjoyed.

 

My excitement eventually turned. Life and emotions got the best of me. Despite all the spiritual work I did, my heart was broken. Well, that is not entirely true, it was shattered. My close relationships were in the toilet. I was in total despair. Quickly, my misery had me plummeting into the realm of heartbroken women (yes, that is an actual realm) like I had anchors tied to my legs.

 

Still pushing to follow that glimmer of light in the darkness, I immersed myself in study and application, I was slowly drowning. I advanced myself spiritually by making contact with many who transitioned, most of them not being directly connected to me. It became an adventure to set my mind to something and watch it manifest.

 

Would you believe that with all the work I put it in, my confidence was still shit? I knew I was powerful, but my heart still hurt. To me, being hidden was the way to go. No one cared, right? Wrong.

 

Deep down past the realm of despairing women was the will and desire to move past it (this would be represented as the solar plexus and heart chakra). I started looking in the mirror again and forcing myself to see the beauty and not the PAIN. The talks with myself had to change. When I started to slide, things in my life would become explosive, so I had to check my thoughts on an hour-by-hour basis.

 

It became therapeutic to mow the lawn and do yard work. After planting a cactus in the front yard, rosemary in the back, and performing ground ritual after ground ritual, the grasshoppers returned.

 

Despite the tears rolling down my cheeks as I type, I reflect on how the grasshoppers are signs from my daddy to keep living free and stop looking to the past. Grasshoppers represent moving forward, as they are not able to jump backward or sideways. In many cultures, they are good luck. They connect with sound vibrations and represent listening to that inner voice to take that leap.

 

My issue was looking within myself, pulling out the jewels, but letting my pain overshadow my accomplishments. For me, I gave my jewels away, not thinking that anyone cared, or that I was doing anything monumental. But was I wrong?

 

The next step was to develop tools to help me stay moving forward. The connection to the Ancestors was still there, so I dusted off my tools and got to work. I created a candle where I embedded the images right into them. This way I can rub it, talk to it, write my petition on it and add whatever elementals I choose.

 

First time out, I made an Ancestor candle with my dad's picture on it. Soon after lighting, the flame hissed and flickered giving me the signs, symbols, and motivation that I had been ignoring for so long.

 

The message to you: Don't worry about how you are going to get to your destination. Just leap.  Trust in your inner wisdom that you will accomplish any and every goal. Take the time out to face and work through your traumas. Balance out those chakras. Connect with your ancestors. Relieve yourself from the emotional bondage of the world.

 

grasshopper1-1

This grasshopper was no ordinary tiny green beady-eyed grasshopper from before. No, no, no. It was giant, more tan than green, with multicolored wings. It had a presence like a carnivore, but it was just so beautiful.

As soon as I saw it, I murmured a whispering, "Daddy". I made it my business every morning to trek to the window to greet whatever grasshopper that awaited me. After unpacking, I did spiritual work with the energy of the grasshoppers in mind. At one point, there were three grasshoppers on the window. I was overjoyed.

My excitement eventually turned. Life and emotions got the best of me. Despite all the spiritual work I did, my heart was broken. Well, that is not entirely true, it was shattered. My close relationships were in the toilet. I was in total despair. Quickly, my misery had me plummeting into the realm of heartbroken women (yes, that is an actual realm) like I had anchors tied to my legs.

Still pushing to follow that glimmer of light in the darkness, I immersed myself in study and application, I was slowly drowning. I advanced myself spiritually by making contact with many who transitioned, most of them not being directly connected to me. It became an adventure to set my mind to something and watch it manifest.

Would you believe that with all the work I put it in, my confidence was still shit? I knew I was powerful, but my heart still hurts. To me, being hidden was the way to go. No one really cared, right? Wrong.

Deep down past the realm of despairing women was the will and desire to move past it (this would be represented as the solar plexus and heart chakra). I started looking in the mirror again and forcing myself to see the beauty and not the PAIN. The talks with myself had to change. When I started to slide, things in my life would become explosive, so I had to check my thoughts on an hour-by-hour basis.

It became therapeutic to mow the lawn and do yard work. After planting cactus in the front yard, rosemary in the back, and ground ritual after ground ritual, the grasshoppers returned.

Despite the tears rolling down my cheeks as I type, I reflect on how the grasshoppers are signs from my daddy to keep living free, and stop looking back in the past. Grasshoppers represent moving forward, as they are not able to jump backwards or sideways. In many cultures, they are seen as good luck. They connect with sound vibrations and represent listening to that inner voice to take that leap.

My issue was looking within myself, pulling out the jewels, but letting my pain overshadow my accomplishments. For me, I gave my jewels away, not thinking that anyone really cared, or that I was doing anything monumental. Boy was I wrong.

The next step was to develop tools to help me stay moving forward. The connection to the Ancestors was still there, so I dusted off my tools and got to work. I created a candle where I embedded the images right into them. This way I can rub it, talk to it, write my petition on it and add whatever elementals I choose.

First time out, I made an Ancestor candle with my dad's picture on it. Soon after lighting, the flame hissed and flickered giving me the signs, symbols, and motivation that I had been ignoring for so long.

The message to you: Don't worry how you are going to get to your destination. Just leap.  Trust in your inner wisdom that you will accomplish any and every goal. Take the time out to face and work through your traumas. Balance out those chakras. Connect with your ancestors. Relieve yourself from the emotional bondage of the world.

I appreciate being able to see the grasshoppers return.

Now that light in the dark isn't so far away.